rachiti

My husband has been in the US with a green card for over a year. He wants a $6,000 truck so we can repair the very in-need-of-repair house my grandfather gifted us. I work but my income does not pay all the bills so I've had to put our food and gas onto credit cards. The cards are almost maxed out. He does work around the house and some of the chores but he does not have a job outside the home. I have disabilities that prevent me from working more than 40 hours a week & I cannot switch jobs because I have to keep this one for sponsorship for him until October at least - so I have no way of making more money. With my disability, I cannot safely take public transport but I do not qualify for low taxi fare. We have one 20 year old car.

My question is this - am I being unrealistic or controlling to tell my husband he must find part-time work first so we can save for the truck before we buy it?

He hasn't looked for work because he claims he needs a separate vehicle - he won't get a part-time job that works around my schedule. He is also very specific about the type of work he will do - he won't work manual labor or in a grocery/retail store etc. He has a computer degree but he won't do programming or work at Best Buy Geek Squad etc.

He gets angry whenever I tell him he has to get a part-time job first because I do not make enough money to make the payments. He swears he'll get a job once he has a truck. Am I wrong to worry this won't happen?

For example, tonight he called my choice of snack, "skunk turd flavor". I made a hot pocket in the microwave. He has been calling it all sorts of insulting names and insisting we must throw out the microwave because I've "contaminated" it.

Also, whenever I eat Mediterranean or Middle Eastern food such as couscous or hummus or basil pesto or suggest making any of these things he calls them anything from "dry wall filler" to "wallpaper paste" and all sorts of unsavory names. He does the same with my skim milk by calling it "watery glue".

He claims that I'm the one with the problem because I'm interpreting all of these declarations to be insults when they're not...they're just ways he's showing his dislike for those food products.

I think that since eating those kinds of foods involves a choice on my part, it's insulting me because it's saying I'm making gross choices. I think it's picking on me to say those things. I don't make him eat them and they're considered socially acceptable foods - yet he continually insists on calling the things I eat derogatory names.

I've asked him to stop because often everything he insults is healthy food. He won't insult full fat milk, butter, cheese, meat etc. but he calls my spring greens salad mix "lawn clippings". He will even make fun of my food sometimes if I choose not to have meat in it like spaghetti with marinara instead of meat sauce.

I've already put on 30 pounds in the last year and a half because I've stopped eating most of the foods he makes fun of because it bothers me so much.

Who is right?

My husband agreed before we got married that he would work too. A year later he still does not work outside the home. This, however, is not the primary problem. The problem is that no matter how much I try to save, he continues to spend on "wants" instead of reigning in his spending until he gets a job. If we were very spendthrifty my income could support both of us, however, since he keeps spending...it's gotten to the point that my income only covers the minimum payments on credit cards plus the water and power bill. I have explained this to him many times. He knows what are budget is - he has even agreed to it...yet he cannot stick to it.

I don't spend money on me because we can't afford it...but he refuses to do the same. How do I convince him he doesn't need to spend $30 on books plus another pound of coffee every week even though he has 6 or 7 at home already etc.?

I moved back in with my parents last summer because I couldn't find a full-time job after graduating last June and can't even pay my own bills. Now that I'm living here, I can't avoid noticing how my father's hoarding has worsened and how it's affecting my mother. Neither of us dares to even bring up the subject because it ALWAYS results in him yelling and screaming at us. I also risk losing a place to sleep if I upset him. However, this is how we are forced to live:

The only cleared counter spaces in the entire kitchen are in front of the microwave door and inside the fridge on the ledge below the fridge door. I actually have to turn sideways in order to walk through the kitchen and living room. In the living room, there are two chairs that remain clean so my parents can sit there. There's a couch behind the chairs that hasn't been used in years but it's piled high with things and my father screams at me any time I mention giving it away or getting rid of it. Items are literally stacked to the ceiling in many places. I have to sit in the computer room because there's no cleared spot in the living room for me. I eat on the space where the mouse goes because it's the only space not stacked literally to the ceiling with boxes etc.

Out of the four bedrooms in the house, he's filled 2 and my sister has filled the other 2 (including what used to be my bedroom...my clothes and toiletry items are in two laundry baskets on the bed because it's the only available space). My sister is also a hoarder who's emotionally unstable so I dare not risk her life in order to get her to throw anything out...she's been in counseling for years and still can't throw anything out)

My father also cooks expired food. We're not talking about last night's meatloaf here either. I have been eating fast food and frozen meals (the 3 chest freezers are full so I can only buy one a day and eat it right away) for the past five months. The only time I ate what he cooked...I found small beatles in it after a few bites. When I checked the package, I discovered the instant potatoes were two years expired..and he knew before he cooked them. His response...he laughed at me and said, "it's only a bug, what's the big deal?". He won't even let me throw out moldy cheese! Oh, btw...we have fruit flies all the time...and most recently...rats. Yes, rats. I've even watched one drink out of the kitchen sink. I don't dare call the exterminator because they'd call the city and we'd be kicked out because it's a safety/fire hazard.

My mother has to have surgery which is why I'm asking for advice. After her surgery she has to live on the main level of their house for 3 months (only bathroom in the house is on this floor) but there's no place for a bed. My father refuses to move anything because the house is so full of stuff there's no place to put it. He won't throw anything away or even put anything in storage. We can't afford to get our own place because my mother has to pay the thousands of dollars in credit cards every month that he spent behind her back...and she won't divorce him because she fears being alone. He won't go to counseling either, I already tried and he nearly hit me for asking. She can barely walk, but without a place to lie flat (doctor's orders), she can't book the surgery.

My question is this - How can I fix this situation without making my mother's situation even worse?

My fiance has always been reserved with his emotions. Over the past eight years he's really learned to open up emotionally outside the bedroom, but he's still very reserved in the bedroom.

I feel sexy (and want to have sex) when I get verbal affirmation from a guy. He says nothing during sex and looks the same until the very end. He never initiates sex either and even mentioning the word "sex" is difficult for him to do. I, on the other hand, am reasonably open to trying new positions, sexy clothes, lubes etc. but I don't force them on him. In fact it took seven years before he would try something other than missionary. I just want to be open with my sexuality and not be embarrassed about being naughty. Suggestions to help him learn to vocalize more?

ps. he doesn't even get turned on by porn (I do but he doesn't).