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Should I edit my poem or is it okay?
The Singing Sun
Ask a wise one what lies behind
the smiling round face of the sun
Plato would explain how goodness
is the reason for all the fun
Goodness made visible by light--
comes from knowledge learned in your youth
gold sun and goodness illumines
the intelligible with truth
Listen to young sun and you'll hear
how low she sings, out into space
cup your ear to her mantra chant
a song pulsing in rhythmic bass
Pierce the darkness, break the silence
Add her song to all your time sensed
~
I am really enjoying your comments. I will leave this up for a little while longer, award a BA, and then go to work on a rewrite. Y'all are great editors!
6 Answers
- neonmanLv 77 years agoFavourite answer
Might try "that" instead of "the" in L2S1 as you are using two in the same line.
S2L2 "your youth" doesn't roll off my tongue that well, but that's your choice. I might have opted for "one's youth"
S2L4 "the intelligible" starts with two soft sounds. Perhaps consider: "intelligible with the truth"
Minor edits at best, enjoyed the poem.
- cassie58Lv 77 years ago
I have listened to the sounds of the sultry sun and she does indeed have rhythm. She pulsates, low pitch, low sexy tones while high frequency white noise can also be heard in the background. Yes the sun sings and in case anyone doesn't believe you Andy, it can be googled and viewed.
I think you have written a fine poem here, and it is ok as it is. Would I have used the same language? Maybe not. If I had written a similar piece I may have chosen alternative vocabulary. For example I like the word rotund and I like the word sultry.
Source(s): My source of knowledge: The Stars At Night BBC4 - 7 years ago
It sounds good. Just my opinion, but I think it might sound more rhythmic if you wrote
"Plato would explain how goodness is
the reason for all of the fun"
and
"the intelligible with the truth"
I personally think it flows better that way, but it sounds fine how it is as well.
- ?Lv 77 years ago
I tripped over intelligible, but I wouldn't change it because it is something distinct from intelligent.
My iPhone rewrite intelligent as I tell urgent. Yeah intelligibility is on short supply. I appreciate yours.
- 7 years ago
It sounds wondeful. A very soothing poem actually. I dont think it needs any editing but I cant seem to grasp the proper meaning of it. Do you mind explaining it to me? Otherwise, i think its great. :)
