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Could you make suggestions for the improvement of this poem?
Mister Young
I got up off the ground
without making a sound
when I finally found the disaster
While unbending my knees
caught my hair in the breeze
in one hundred degrees melting plaster
Watching girls of the world
raising dresses unfurled
while the questions were hurled so much faster
I was writing a play
on a sweet summer day
to her own known dismay so I cast her
She took talent and poise
from her suitcase of toys
said the mirror enjoys her reflection
Keeping up with the styles
weeping under her smiles
leaping over the piles of rejection
We clacked day after night
and came close to a fight
hoping she would invite my direction
But she took all the fame
even blew out my flame
she was playing the game of deception
Thanks for the comments. I like to write tongue-in-cheek now and again. I didn't give proper credit to my inspiration. Mister Young is Neil Young and his song Mr. Soul. It was playing when I started writing this one.
3 Answers
- cassie58Lv 77 years agoFavourite answer
This is the third time I have tried to answer your poem Andy, before losing all the text in cyberspace. I googled the lyrics of Neil Young's song. They weren't that easy to understand, but I took it to be about fame and what it does to the ego and soul.I noted the reference to plaster and disaster. So your mind wandered as you listened and I wonder whether you brought Neil Young's fan into your own art or whether the girl was someone else. For all her talent and poise you wrote about, she was even better at deception. An unhappy ending.
I couldn't possibly make suggestions for improvement, I was kept far too busy trying to find a meaning inside your tongue in cheek poem. I'm not sure I got one, but sometimes when we are on a poetry path we can get lost.
I always enjoy reading your work and trying to unravel it, a bit like dropping a stitch when knitting and trying to avoid a disaster
Source(s): catfish lover - ?Lv 47 years ago
Edit 7 by me
Mister Young
I got up off the ground
without making a sound
when I finally found the disaster
While unbending my knees
caught my hair in the breeze
in one hundred degrees melting plaster
Watching girls of the world
raising dresses unfurled
while the questions were hurled so much faster
I was writing a play
on a sweet summer day
to her own known dismay; so I cast her
She took talent and poise
from her suitcase of toys
said the mirror enjoys her reflection
Keeping up with the styles
weeping under her smiles
leaping over the piles of rejection
We clacked day after night
and came close to a fight
hoping she would invite me to her direction
But she took all the fame
even blew out my flame
she was playing the game of deception
This is a super amazing poem. I like it! Keep up the great work.
Source(s): Wallah all lies poet - ?Lv 77 years ago
Some of the end lines are a bit confusing:
to her own known dismay so I cast her
and,
hoping she would invite my direction
The latter one I would say,
hoping she would invite misdirection
Only because I don't know what yours means.
My jokey brain rewrote the first one as
to her home grown dismay, my Jocasta
But that is not a serious suggestion, just what my brain does when it reads gibberish. Gibberish in, gibberish out. Generally an amazing poem though, as yours usually are.